rejection therapy day 15 -december 13th
Those who are paying attention, and I would be surprised if there were any of you, will have noticed I had no post yesterday. Unfortunately I was just too busy getting a job application ready for a deadline and then finishing some design work for today. This meant I spent the day in front of my computer and while I loathed this it helped me ponder a few things in comparison to what happened today.
I will write my thoughts down below the rejection therapy day and Street Portraits Project. You are free to read them if you like, but really it is just a chance to get my thoughts out of my head especially now that I am the half way mark of Rejection Therapy.
I asked some people today for their photos and once again got no rejections :( Details who those generous folk are detailed in the Street Portraits section. Failed Rejection
I did my trial day for a Barista and tried to make the most of it. I tried to get as involved as I could, looking if I could make a coffee. I tried…but it wasn’t too impressive. While my efforts were far below the usual Barista standards, I wanted to see if I could get at least a decent latte out before the end of my trial. I asked if I could make a coffee again, they said yes (Failed Rejection), again the coffee was below standard. I asked if I could make it again, they said yes (Failed Rejection), yet again the coffee was below stand. I was then told to do some other jobs…probably just to get me away from making another coffee, but I have an urge to get that Latte right!
I met up with a friend, Sammi, who works in a watch shop. I asked if I could have a watch for free, she said no, although this is not a genuine rejection as I had just told Sammi about Rejection Therapy and she set me up…although this fake rejection was then counterbalanced by Sammi allowing me to take her portrait. Right on. Failed Rejection
Entering a building to meet another friend, I saw a man unloading a bunch of heavy building materials and placing them in the lobby. Since there was a lot and he seemed to be struggling, I asked if I could give a hand and spent the next few minutes giving this guy a hand. Nice bloke too. Failed Rejection
Street Portrait Project #6
Thanks to Sam, Emma and Sammi for sparing a few minutes and letting me take their photo. Below is Sam, who felt inspired to give me a few regal and hopeful poses. I take my hat off to that.
For an explanation of Rejection Therapy see this post
For an explanation of Street Portrait Project see this post
Here are some thoughts that have become apparent, maybe not directly as a result of rejection therapy, but have definitely sprung up as a result of putting myself in these situations. I think it is important to reflect on what has happened, otherwise what is the point of doing this? Although below is really just about getting the thoughts out of my head and for my peace of mind.
For those who bothered to keep with it till here, I welcome you to read on. For those who don’t like reading a person’s internal musings, I wouldn’t advise you give it a skip.
After spending Sunday in front of my computer screen working on my own, as I have done a majority of days for the past year, I was lucky enough to have the welcome change of working as a Barista for a short shift. What has surprised me is that in this trail as a coffee bar worker, which lasted just over an hour, I enjoyed it more than any time I have spent staring at a computer screen. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy working with media, it is that I find no greater pleasure than working with people.
Thinking back to all the media work I have done, whether that is writing, filming or taking photos; it is the meeting of people and collaboration that has always been the most enjoyable part for me. In the majority of my theatre work it was the team work and collaborative environment which I enjoyed the most. Being around people who want to share and create ideas has been what is missing from my life for a long time and it used to be what is most important to me.
At the beginning of this year I started to get the idea that I was a ‘determined’ and ‘driven’ person, that I should be pursuing a career aggressively and push myself to greatness. This made me become a person I didn’t like. I always liked to think that I was a nice guy, but I let myself become selfish, arrogant and dick; doing some extremely dickish things. As a result I lost a friend who was closest to me and severally damaged my other relationships with family and friends; many of which I am still trying to mend fences for now.
Through rejection therapy I am trying to become the guy I was before. I am trying to open myself up again and learn from my mistakes. I didn’t like being a ‘determined’ person, I don’t have the urge to do whatever it takes to be a successful whatever, because I want to spend time with friends, family and those I love. Those are what is most important to me and I would be a fool (although many already think I am) to ever let these things slip away from me again.
Rejection therapy, in the short time I have done it so far, has introduced me to a lot of new people and confirmed my thoughts that I am happiest around others and learning about others’ lives.
From now on I think I am going to look for a simple job with good people, focus on my creative work in my own time and focus the rest of life on just being a good person. I don’t think I could want for any more than that.
If you are reading then thanks. It is probably a load of jibberish, but it has taken me a lot and cost myself, and ever more regrettably others, a lot to come to this realisation. Hopefully you are lucky enough that when you read the above you will think I am an idiot and would have never have made the stupid decisions I have. I am an idiot, I will easily admit that, but I am now trying to be a good idiot.
rejection therapy day 9 - december 7th
“I think it is high time I lived up to my potential, don’t you?”
This is what I told myself (don’t worry, not out loud) while sitting in a coffee bar in Birmingham. I had just been wondering around looking to take street portraits of people. After convincing myself that “that person didn’t look right” or “they look in a hurry” I finally gave up when I thought “the light isn’t good enough anymore” and retreated with my tail between my legs to the comfort of a latte.
What a coward.
I know rejection therapy is supposed to make you feel good and it is just a game, but I can’t help feel bad when I don’t take opportunities. What is worse is that I know, maybe a year or so ago, I was a person who had no qualms doing an activity such as this, walking up to a complete stranger and not having my confidence knocked. So obviously I have changed, but I really don’t like it.
Before I could back up excuses of my lame attempts at objection therapy as just building up momentum or palm off some other excuse, but the reality is my self esteem and confidence is shot. A scrape on the bottom of what used to be a full brimming barrel. As the foam stained the edge of my coffee mug and job application drafts with half arsed notes scribbled across them, I sunk in my chair and sighed. I need to live up to my potential and I need to do it now.
I visited a friend who I have not seen in about five years and now works as a graphic designer. He is hopefully going to do some printing for me and, knowing he usually charges for advice, I asked him whether he could give me some tips anyway and go through some ways of making my work better, and do you know what? He did. Failed Rejection Further to that, we got discussing about what we each like to do now and he said that he goes rock climbing, something that I used to do in a past life. He said he goes every Monday, so I wondered if I could tag alone, which did not only he agree to, but explained he could get me in for free. Mega cool. Failed Rejection
It turned out I had made the oh so silly mistake of writing down the interview as the deadline for a job application instead of the actual closing date. The closing date turned out to be Sunday, but wanting the job and seeing it as a way to get rejected, I rang up the company and asked if I would be able to be considered if I send in my application right now. They said applicants had already been shortlisted. I asked if they could at least take a look? He said no. Hooray! Rejected
For an explanation of Rejection Therapy see this post
Rejection therapy day 7 - december 5th
Not a great day to be honest, for more some personal reasons, but I did not feel like putting myself out too much.
My one triumph was with a guy who I have trained in the martial art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with for a long time but never really spoken to or got to know. I was aware that he is a far superior photographer to myself, so when I saw he had his camera with him I thought I would break the unintentional vow of silence between us and ask about getting some tips on how to be better. Although this doesn’t seem like much, It is a bit out of my comfort zone, as I am a person who usually likes to do things for myself and be self taught…but that is not the point of rejection therapy and it is something I want to change in myself. So I asked him, he said yes, we got really well and I am going to give him some tips in film making. Score! Failed Rejection
My first week has been pretty gentle to be honest. I realise I really have to push it a bit more. I will give the excuse of a few personal problems have made me reluctant to engage, but I think I am using it as more of a defence than is really true. I want this project to do some good, but I will only get results is I invest myself more and take more risks.
The past and the future of sex
The history of what is accepted in sex is interesting to consider. In the supposed orgies of ancient Rome, did they care if the girl came or did the men care whether they jizzed on the girls face or breasts? Did women have the same high expectations of men back then and as judged for the performances between the sheets as they are now?
Push the time machine forward to a more recent time and you have to wonder about the expectations of sex of your grandparents (consider it, please don’t picture it.) I should be more specific about grandparents - let’s say couples who had sex before the 70s. Did a woman in the year 1951 want a man who was going to take charge and hold her down till she came and did the man get bored if the girl didn’t deepthroated and gave good head? When did there become a measurement of what constituted a good blowjob?
I, with absolutely so research to support this, think that sex changes due to the transmission of information. So, taking the modern example as information through radio, television, print and now the internet becomes more spread so does different approaches to sex. Pornography as been around for as long as man got some sort of coloured substance and smudged an image of some boobs on a wall; but, like all things, the more we see of something the more we become desensitised to it and our tastes become more refined.
So in the post-war fifties, sex was common, as babies were still being popped out, but talk about it was scarce because resources were thin. Sure, the boys out on the front line got a few saucy pin up pictures, but they were few and far between. Now if you pretty much search for anything in the Google-machine there will be some sort of web page about a person’s sexual fetish, no matter how random your search terms are. So the more porn we see, the more we want to up the anti. For instance, do you think there are tribesman in Africa, in some tiny hut with, who has a need to tie his lover down and administer an enema while wearing a soldier’s uniform? No, but it’s because we have been exposed to the possibility of it that some may see that as a fantasy.
So this makes me think about the future. Due to the freedom of shared private time filth over the net, it is pretty common place for teenagers at the back of buses to swap mobile phone videos of women having sex with dogs or bukkake scenes. A child can log onto Chatroulette and see a dozen old man penises in a few minutes. So when these younguns grow up, what will their standards be?
I see one of the causes of teenage pregnancies being because people know more about sex and the expectations are now becoming higher the younger you are. When I was their age I was lucky if I got a hand in a bra, let alone a bit of adult cheeky fun time.
Let me make it clear that I am not against fetishes, people are free to have them and I have my own like everyone else. What they are is between only me and a few websites. I just wonder how this exposure of of younger and younger people to pornographic material will change the way people view relationships and even the levels of equality between genders.
So what will the next generations, or my unborn kids be into? I have no idea and don’t think I could fathom what they will see in their early age… I think expectations are high enough now so I don’t I really want to know.